What Am I Not Feeling?

Bringing light to the darkness

I’m not sure where this is going to go. Perhaps I am too close to my situation to really write about it yet. My writing teacher always says that when you’re going through a difficult time and you can’t write, take notes. Well, these are my notes.

Blogging about my life means my life has to be an open book. The act of writing about my thoughts and experiences is helping me to see myself and to try to become the man I truly want to be, a 21st Century Man. It means not being afraid to admit my mistakes, to share them openly with anyone who cares to read them. I am a truth seeker. I desire to find out the truth, not so that I can tell you what the truth is, but so that I can discover what the truth is in me.

I am far from perfect. In fact, I am flawed. Sometimes I make decisions that hurt other people. The choice I have right now, however, is how I deal with those perceived mistakes. Do I shove them under the rug as I have done many times in the past only to watch them reoccur again and again? Or do I try to evolve by taking a look at my behavior and taking the necessary steps to bring about a change of character.

Only recently, I went through a difficult breakup spurred on by a betrayal on my part. It is hard to admit that about myself, yet at the same time I have to admit it because my life is an open book and I don’t want to pretend to be someone I am not.

A close friend and advisor posed an interesting idea to me around this whole situation: I was willing to go through the pain and drama of ending a relationship this way because I was avoiding feeling something much deeper below that. He used smoking as an example to illustrate this idea. If I were to have some feelings and then pick up a cigarette and start smoking, what am I masking with that cigarette? I would rather take the risk of destroying my health and perhaps dying instead of taking a look at some deeper issues underneath the feelings I am covering up. The question becomes, “What am I not feeling by taking this action?”

I don’t know the answer to that question yet, but the important thing is that I have asked myself the question. In my pursuit of the truth about who I am, I must keep digging until I find the answer.

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7 Responses to “What Am I Not Feeling?”

  1. Barbara says:

    Hi John – Good post. And the photo is perfect. Take notes!

  2. BARBARA – Thanks! I’m taking notes!

  3. Shara Helmstadter says:

    Great post, left me wanting more :) I have so much to write but don’t do it, maybe the ‘note’ idea is a good one…

  4. SHARA – Thank you and you can bet there will be more! The notes idea is a great place to start. Barbara Abercrombie, my teacher, wrote a book called “Courage and Craft” which I highly recommend. Her suggestion of writing in a journal daily and the memoir course I took with her led to me starting this blog and has jump started the writing I have always wanted to do. Thanks for reading and posting a comment!

  5. Donna says:

    John,

    I am sorry you have to go through this. I always thought the 40s would be an easy age…financially secure, emotionally settled. It seems to be going the other way these days. Finding the truth can be a long journey. I wish you luck with this endeavor.

    xoxo

    Donna

  6. Tilley says:

    I recognize the symptoms, Mr. W…

    But there are wise men who have pointed out that while sometimes there are no excuses, there are also things at work beyond our control.

    We are mortal.

    You have to allow for that.

    Thanks for having the cojones to write about it. It will help everyone, including yourself.

    I just glad all my angst comes out in music when I can’t use it for acting. So write ON!!

  7. Paul says:

    I can dig it man. Keep digging. I never knew what all that beatnik stuff was yet I kept saying dig it. It takes what it takes and now I know. “Can you dig it” takes on a whole new meaning.

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