I’m not sure where this is going to go. Perhaps I am too close to my situation to really write about it yet. My writing teacher always says that when you’re going through a difficult time and you can’t write, take notes. Well, these are my notes.
Blogging about my life means my life has to be an open book. The act of writing about my thoughts and experiences is helping me to see myself and to try to become the man I truly want to be, a 21st Century Man. It means not being afraid to admit my mistakes, to share them openly with anyone who cares to read them. I am a truth seeker. I desire to find out the truth, not so that I can tell you what the truth is, but so that I can discover what the truth is in me.
I am far from perfect. In fact, I am flawed. Sometimes I make decisions that hurt other people. The choice I have right now, however, is how I deal with those perceived mistakes. Do I shove them under the rug as I have done many times in the past only to watch them reoccur again and again? Or do I try to evolve by taking a look at my behavior and taking the necessary steps to bring about a change of character.
Only recently, I went through a difficult breakup spurred on by a betrayal on my part. It is hard to admit that about myself, yet at the same time I have to admit it because my life is an open book and I don’t want to pretend to be someone I am not.
A close friend and advisor posed an interesting idea to me around this whole situation: I was willing to go through the pain and drama of ending a relationship this way because I was avoiding feeling something much deeper below that. He used smoking as an example to illustrate this idea. If I were to have some feelings and then pick up a cigarette and start smoking, what am I masking with that cigarette? I would rather take the risk of destroying my health and perhaps dying instead of taking a look at some deeper issues underneath the feelings I am covering up. The question becomes, “What am I not feeling by taking this action?”
I don’t know the answer to that question yet, but the important thing is that I have asked myself the question. In my pursuit of the truth about who I am, I must keep digging until I find the answer.