I recently joined Dad-Blogs, a social networking site for Daddy Bloggers. If Heather of Dooce.com can Mommy Blog with that kind of success, so can us Dads! Fatherhood Fridays are a chance to blog about one the most important things in my life – being a father to Tween girls age 9 and 12.
My 12-year old daughter Maisy has been struggling lately with decisions and transitions, typical Tween issues. Tweeners often have trouble making the transition from the comfort of childhood and their connection to their parents to all the independence and feelings that come with being a teenager. My ex-wife and I both bought copies of “The Everything Tween Book” a few years ago when Maisy’s behavior started to shift.
Last Friday afternoon, I sat in my car at the bus drop-off area at Maisy’s junior high waiting for her to return from Astro-Camp, a 3-day, 2-night science camp for 6th graders with good GPA’s. One hundred forty Tweeners travelled for 3-1/2 hours on busses to a spot in the Southern California mountains where they learned about science and slept in a big dorm with their friends.
At the beginning of the school year, Astro Camp was high on the list of things that were appealing about junior high, but as the reality of the trip approached, Maisy started complaining with a barrage of reasons why she didn’t want to go :
“It’s going to be too cold, Lucinda talks to much and she’ll keep us up all night, it’s a long bus ride, we can’t have food in the dorms because of the critters, the nurse has to give me my antibiotics while I’m there because I won’t be done with them, I don’t know the chaperone for our group.” And then the big one, “I don’t want to come back when it’s dark out.”
My ex-wife was leaving that afternoon to take our 9-year old, Hanna, to a weekend Girl Scout Camp. Maisy and the other 11 and 12-year olds were scheduled to be picked up by Mrs. T. and meet the younger ones at the Girl Scout Camp at Lake Castaic (I will be writing a whole other post on the over-scheduling of my children!). Maisy imagined herself standing alone in the dark as the last bus pulled away from the school.
Being a single father is challenging at times, but I am fortunate to have a great co-parenting relationship with my ex-wife as we try our best to set differences aside and put the children first. I sat with Maisy on the afternoon before she left for camp and helped her to write a pros and cons list through her tears. When it came down to it, the abandonment fear was the only true issue on the con side. I asked her if she would like me to be at the school to meet her and make sure she got into the car with Mrs. T. to transition from one camp to another.
A family counselor recently stressed the importance of my presence as her dad during this time of her transition from child to teenager. I would be setting the example for her of what men are like and help determine how she related to boys. No pressure there….
“Will you wait out of the car on the sidewalk so I can see you from the bus?” she said.
“Yes, honey” I replied.
As the busses rounded the corner at sunset on Friday, I moved from my car to the sidewalk. Something told me she would be on the first bus and I stood looking through the front window until I spotted her. She looked tired, but she smiled when she saw me. She climbed down with her backpack over her shoulder and gave me a hug, a very un-Tween-like public behavior.
“How was it? Did you have fun?” I asked.
“No” she replied.
“Really?” I asked. She smiled.
She was trying to back up her previous testimony that it was not going to be fun. As we walked to Mrs. T.’s car she recounted the details and reasons why it wasn’t fun and it was obvious to me that it had been a great experience. She was one step closer to being a teenager.
Tags: Dads, Fatherhood, fatherhoodfriday, Single Father, Teenager, Tween, Tweeners
Some of the best parts of my teenage years were things my parents more or less forced me to take part in. I am definitely interested in your over scheduling post. Maybe a good one for next week. Good to hear you and your ex manage to get along so well. That is very helpful.
Good job man. My little girl was just born but I am already dreading tween years! But you’re right, everything I have read or been told says you need to be there to show her how a man should act towards women.
I stopped by from dad blogs to check you out. You sound like a good dad. Keep up the good work.
my girls are 10 & 12 so i know what you mean…the 12 yr old has gotten real attitude-y and emotional…now the 10 yr old is starting to have a smart mouth. wth? can’t wait til some of that settles down! lol
“A family counselor recently stressed the importance of my presence as her dad during this time of her transition from child to teenager.”
From child to teenager…and for every other step in her life. I remember my fosterdad was there to see me off when I got on a Greyhound and headed off for three months to work as a lifeguard at a summer camp (I was 17, about to turn 18). It was 8 hours away from home…and I was a little scared, though I would have never admitted it at the time.
He stood right by the bus as it pulled away…and though I shed a few tears (as did he, I later found out), it was comforting to have him there.
Great post. As a girl who has “been there, done that,” thank you for really listening to your daughter and understanding her.
Thanks to all my new http://dad-blogs.com friends for your comments! I look forward to reading your posts this weekend!
JOE – Thanks for your tech support yesterday. My parents didn’t so much force me to do things as a teen. They suggested, which come to find out means “subtle command”. In there own way, they were encouraging me to stick with commitments, something which has carried through into adulthood and become very important.
NEW-DAD – Congrats on your new-born girl! Don’t worry about the tweens. I have found that each stage of my daughters’ growth has been an adventure and everything that we have gone through before has prepared me for this time and this time is preparing me for the teen years. I have to say, I am actually looking forward to it! I find my 12-year old fascinating and the emotional stuff is teaching me as much as anything else she does.
OTTER – Thanks for checking my blog out. I will be reading the Fatherhood Friday posts and checking yours in between Fatherhood activities this weekend – off to soccer now!
CIARA – I have noticed a real shift in my 9-year old in the past 6 months. Luckily I knew what the tween behaviors were all about from her old 12-year old sister. “The Everything Tween Book” I mentioned really helped give my ex and I an understanding and the tools to help deal with them.
ISABELLA – Great story about you and your step-father! And thanks for your support. I am doing my best to understand my girls instead of throwing up my hands in defeat and in the process, I am learning a lot about them and myself.
That’s a real touching story. I have a 10 year old and I can see so much of what you wrote in her behavior today. I’m at every event for her, because she remembers me beingh there and I can only hope that it will have a positive effect on her in the future. So far, so good.